The Lost Gospel of the Queers

The following is an excerpt from the recently unearthed lost gospel of Jesus Christ, written by Evangelos. It has long been thought that only the Hebrew Scriptures and the epistles of Paul ever referred to homosexuality and queer issues. Though its authenticity will surely be questioned and tested by scholars over the coming years, it provides a glimpse at least into an early Greek reading of Jesus's ministry, and an up-to-now unacknowledged universalism in his teaching. Here, finally, are Jesus' soon-to-be-infamous words about multi-culturalism and LGBT people. 

And Jesus came to a bustling town on a river, a town of many colors, and saw the many different faces there. The people crowded up to him and asked: “Who are you really? And why are you here? For your followers are a nuisance to this earth, and hate us openly for our ways.” Jesus responded “I am who you say I am, and I am here to teach the peoples of the earth, every race and tribe. And though my followers are frail, and sinful, they preach my life and death and resurrection, so that all who believe in me may not perish from their sin. And you too are frail and sinful, and need my life and death and resurrection.” 

The people responded and said “How can we be saved? For we know that humans are sinful, both your followers and our own. If sinfulness cannot be erased by even your help, why should we believe?” And Jesus said “My work erases your sin before God, and prepares all people to become part of the kingdom of heaven. My kingdom is not of this earth, but my spirit has been given to all people so that it may be built right here in front of you. Sinfulness on earth has not been erased, and will tempt many to disbelieve.”

The people responded and said “This is hard to understand and believe. We must again ask you, what about your people? For they often treat us poorly for our politics, our families, and our attitudes toward the earth. Do you truly accept us? We are of many different types and kinds.” And Jesus said, “I accept all people, no matter the color of the skin, or the teachings of their leaders, so long as what is truly God’s remains God’s, and that is the soul inside of humankind.” “And what is the soul inside of humankind?” “It is nothing else than the entirety of all actions, thoughts, and deepest truths inside of a human. It is so all-encompassing that no one except my father knows it completely. And all people will go before God with a naked soul, and will bare their innermost thoughts and uncontrolled emotions in front of the throne of God. If you trust that God is merciful, then he will have mercy. But if you trust that God is vengeful, and hates his creation, then he will judge it as harshly as you have judged.”

One person with courage and skepticism asked loudly before Jesus “Is God really male?” And Jesus responded “No, he is a she and an it. He is a person who can speak, but when speaking life comes out of his mouth rather than sound. She is a force, and when she moves the cosmos moves with her. It is the totality of everything you see and don’t see, and it includes you. Reject the God of nature at your own peril.”

And the people became jealous of this man’s teaching, who seemed wise and accepting, although confusing and mystical. They convened together to ask him about the gravest controversy, because they still did not believe. “We must ask, because we are an accepting people, trying to love when we see your followers' hatred. We must ask whether the least among us, those who cannot procreate for they love their own kind, man with man and woman with woman. Some even reject manhood for womanhood, and though it confuses us, we have chosen to treat them as our own.”

And Jesus replied, “Woe upon those who accept these creatures, who deny the will of God, and turn what is true into a lie. These shall never inherit the kingdom, for they are abomination. And any who gives them respite, who feeds them and clothes them, who treats them as equals, and tells them they are not sinful, let these be thrown into the fire of everlasting punishment along with the abominations they love. For my father has created an ordered universe, with laws that must be obeyed, and anyone who does not follow these laws is outside of my grasp. I seek followers, not leaders; whatever you bind on earth I will consider for a moment, but do not recklessly bind yourself to perverts, for God has no love for them.”

And the people of the many colored town went away, angry at Jesus for speaking so harshly of their friends and neighbors.

The Lost Gospel of the Republicans

And when Jesus came down from the mountain, he saw many people assembled there. The disciples asked him, 'What should we do? For there are many people and they are hungry.'

And Jesus replied, "Say to them that their hunger is their own fault; I have come to wash away the sins of the world, but I do not provide any earthly goods or healing. If these people desired to work for me and my new empire, it would improve their souls; I will offer them a wage only slightly less than is necessary to provide for their families, with the promise that if they work hard, most of them will rise out of poverty. But if any should gather together with their extra money, like a nation blessed with massive wealth, and decide to feed these poor people, I will disband them and take their funds away. Instead I will invest their money in a massive army, for it is imperative for my new empire to defend itself, with the sword, against any who disagree with me."

And the people rose up, revolted against this Jesus, and called him a false prophet.